We've never met, but I hate you.
That may not be fair, hating someone you don't even know yet, but I do.
You may be nice; but I still hate you.
You have to be nice, or else he wouldn't love you.
But I still hate you.
He's been mine since the day I was born, and you're going to take him away from me.
So I hate you.
I wrote those words when I was seven years old. I had just overheard a conversation between my brother and my parents. They were talking about the fact that someday, my brother was going to find someone he wanted to marry. It suddenly hit me that when that happened, when my brother fell in love like that, he was going to leave. And that made me angry, and yes, it made me jealous. I wrote that extremely un-seven-year-old-like sentiment in my journal later that night. I couldn't sleep because the thought that my brother would someday leave kept screaming in my head.
I think I need to explain how things are between my brother Isaac and me. He's the oldest; I'm the youngest. In between us are seventeen years and five other siblings. My mom says that Isaac and I are a lot alike, and that's why we get along so well. She says that she sees in me the same kind of spirit and soul that she sees in him. There's always been something special with him and me since the day I was born.
My brother Taylor says that Isaac took me over from the minute I arrived in the Hanson family. Isaac was the only one who could calm me down when I was crying. My first smile was at him; I took my first steps to him. My earliest memory is of him. (My sisters say I can't possibly remember this; that I must have turned a story into a memory, but they're wrong.) I was very young, not even quite a year old. I was sitting on his lap, and we were playing a game where he would hang his hair around my face. I remember the way it tickled my ears. His hair made a kind of tunnel around us, and it was like there was no one else in the world, just me and Isaac, laughing. The day he got his hair cut, I cried, and even he couldn't make me stop that day.
My three oldest brothers were gone a lot when I was little. But if they were home, I had to be around Isaac. I was never an in-your-face kind of baby sister. I never actively tried to get his attention. I just shadowed him. I'm sure he got annoyed sometimes but he didn't show it. I'd sit in his room, watching and listening, as he'd write songs and play his guitar. He would always answer my questions about what he was playing and how to do it. For my fifth birthday, he bought me a little student guitar and taught me how to play. He said he was amazed at how fast I learned, but he forgot that I spent two years just watching him.
Isaac always made time to just be with me. He was never too busy. We'd go for walks and just talk, or he'd take me to get ice cream or to the movies. Sometimes he took me along on recording sessions. He'd finish his part, and then sit on the floor in the corner of the studio and play dolls with me. Or draw or read books or do whatever I wanted to do. Usually, though, I wanted to do what Isaac was doing. We listened to lots of music together. Neither of my sisters or my other brother were much into music, but I was, so Isaac made sure I heard every kind, and learned to play whatever instrument I was interested in.
When my brothers were gone on tours, and the rest of the family didn't go, they'd always call or e-mail us a lot. I missed Isaac, Taylor and Zac, sure. But I wasn't completely lonely. I did stuff with Jessica and Avery and Mackenzie. I didn't just sit around doing nothing after my schoolwork was finished. I had friends and did all the usual kid stuff. I always wished, though, that Isaac were around. Things were fun, but just not quite as much fun as they COULD be.
Isaac is the one person in my life who has always completely understood me. He knows where I'm coming from - he knows my strengths and my weaknesses and my dreams. And he knows that somehow, even though he's seventeen years older than I am, I understand him too. We love each other, unconditionally, the way only family can.
Which brings me back to the rather ugly sentiment that opened this whole thing. Back then, I didn't have any concept of the fact that you can love more than one person, and for different reasons. Love was an absolute to me. I'm glad to say that I eventually came to understand that there are a lot of different types of love in the world, and each of them is just as important, and as strong, as the next. I'm also glad to say that Isaac did find the woman I thought I hated back then, and I love her, too.
I wrote at seven years old that Isaac's been mine since the day I was born. That's true. He's been my brother, my teacher, my inspiration, my confidant, and my all-around best buddy. And I know now that no matter how far apart we are in the world, no matter how many other people come into our lives, that he's my big brother and I'm his baby sister. What else is there?
